Butterflies and poop

I’ve felt myself out of sorts lately and my mind spinning round and round over the past few days. I am feeling very unsure of where I am headed or what the next season will look like for me. After 3 ½ years of grad school and finally walking across that stage I think I expected this time to feel different – thought I would have more direction and confidence. Honestly it has been kind of anti-climactic. Maybe I thought at this point I would have “arrived” – which I know in my head is a ridiculous notion because that will never happen in this place. So many things are changing and stirring in me and it's hard – not sure I like it so much. It doesn’t feel like the beautiful picture of metamorphosis that I often think of when I consider change and how so many liken it to a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.

I got to see a new perspective of that process this weekend. My 8 yr old daughter brought home “Luigi” about 2 weeks ago – her caterpillar that had entered into his chrysalis. The wait was much longer than we thought and at several points along the way she had kind of given up and thought for sure he was dead. I kept encouraging her to wait and be patient knowing that deep change takes time. One night she came downstairs after going to bed worried that if Luigi became a butterfly that he would get “red runny poop” all over the house because she had seen that happen in her classroom. Now this is part of the change process I knew nothing about – my vision of the change was just a glorious breaking through of the chrysalis and poof there is a beautiful butterfly ready to soar. There wasn’t supposed to be struggle and icky stuff to deal with, right? The struggle to change form and break free from the cocoon was enough! In case she was right I happily moved Luigi into our downstairs bathroom and noticed he wiggled a little when we touched him – so we were hopeful he was still with us. The next morning he was still in his chrysalis but when we got home from church there was a beautiful little butterfly in my sink. But I quickly noticed the red “poop” all around the sink and the butterfly looked quite fragile – barely moving at all. His wings were still folded up a little and needed to dry so we left him for a while with some sugar water to drink. Slowly but surely his wings opened up more and more throughout the day and he began to walk around. We eventually took him outside where he could get sunshine and freedom. We left him to settle down in some grass until he was ready to fly. I guess I am writing all of this to say that I feel like that little butterfly – after all the struggle of school I thought I would be ready to fly right away but instead I feel much like the little weak winged butterfly sitting in a gloppy mess. So now I am looking for the sun – leaning into God by listening and seeking – surrounding myself with friends that speak life and encouragement to me – and just enjoying some down time being a wife, mom, and me.

3rd time's a charm, right?

Well here I am once again hoping to enter the world of blogging. I keep feeling a deep passion to write so here I go....

58 days until Christmas

Have so much spinning around in my head and I am not sure how it will exactly manifest but I know this Christmas season will be different and I couldn't be more excited. May blog more thoughts later - would love to know yours!

We named her well

I think just about every day I learn something new from my kids. God has definitely used them time and time again to show me more about Him and more truth about myself. I wasn't home for one of the most recent and best examples but just hearing the story from my husband was immediately convicting. Our girls are only 18 months apart and that is a recipe for best friends AND worst enemies. Recently our oldest, Reagan was caught being quite mean to Elliott, her younger sister. Her punishment was to go to bed early while Elliott and Dad watched a TV show together and she was extremely unhappy. After listening to her cry for a while while trying to enjoy her time with her dad, Elliott began to beg him to give Reagan mercy and let her get up to watch a show with them. (When I say beg I mean she was almost in tears trying to convince him.) In his confusion he asked her how she could be so nice when this whole thing was because her sister had been so mean to her. She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and said in her sweet little voice full of compassion,

"But Dad, Dad - it is just how she is and I love her. It's ok, Dad."

When Todd told me this story I teared up picturing my sweet little one displaying such complete and undeserved grace to her sister. She loves without condition and recognizes people are not perfect and accepts them as they are. Wow. What a picture of Jesus she is for me! How often am I glad when people who have done me wrong get punished? How often do I expect others to change before I will fully love them or show compassion towards them?

Her middle name is "Grace" - I think we named her well.

Thank you

I need to say thank you to a kind woman who was at our Kroger today. I am positive she will never read this blog but I figure this is the best way I have to say thank you.

It all started when we left Kroger today and as we were walking out to the van I freaked out because the side door was open. Please tell me someone else out there has done this??? (I blame it on the fact that my allergies have taken over my brain.) Reagan was so worried someone had stolen her headband but I quickly made sure no one was waiting for us in there and then saw my mp3 player and felt sure her headband was safe. We head home with the groceries and Reagan realizes she left her "Kindergarten Memories" booklet that she made at school today in the van. So she ran back out to get it and in about 10 seconds I hear loud cries, "MOMMY, I can't find it!!!!!!" I went out to look and then realized what had probably happened - it had blown out of the van because the door was open. I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to hear about how it was all my fault - but I felt terrible. I told Reagan she could make another one but that didn't help at all - she had worked hard on that one and it meant everything to her in that moment. So I run in the house put all the groceries away as fast as I can and we all pile back in the van to head back up to Kroger to look for the booklet. (Just to set more of the background for you: Elliott is in one of the worst moods EVER. Not a pretty scene between the two of them - Reagan sobbing and Elliott uber grumpy. And then there is me who is sneezing every other minute, has ear, face, nose, and head aches, and eyes pouring water.) I know heading to Kroger is ridiculous and that there is no way we will find this booklet but I had to try. Reagan's crying has calmed down but she is still really upset. I pray out loud "Dear God, please help us find Reagan's booklet." Inside I am praying "God - this would be a really cool teaching moment - please help us find that book!!!" And at the same time I am thinking how I am going to explain to her why God didn't help us find it and kind of wishing I hadn't prayed out loud. We drive up and down each aisle about 3 times and still no sign of her "Kindergarten Memories." So I park the van and we all hop out and scour it again.

Nothing.

I want her to know I tried my best to find it so we go up in front of the store to see if it blew into the plants or furniture.

No booklet.

The last resort is to ask the service desk thinking maybe (inside thinking there is NO way) someone found it and turned it in. As we walk in I prepare Reagan by telling her that this is our last hope and if they don't have it I will ask her teacher to let her make another one. She is not thrilled but seems to be ok and has calmed down quite a bit. So we walk in and wait as the lady behind the counter helps someone else. The lady who bagged our groceries earlier notices us and wonders why we are back and I say "Well, we lost something in the parking lot and we were hoping someone turned it in." As I say that the service desk woman's face lights up and she says "I bet we have it!" and she holds up Reagan's Kindergarten Memories booklet! She told us how a woman brought it in and that they both had teared up at the thought of that precious booklet getting lost. I thanked her over and over and she said she was a mom and understood how important that was. Reagan looked up and said "thank you" with a voice that I knew was about to turn to tears. As we walked away and into the cart area she lost it. I knelt down and hugged her as we both sobbed. We were both overwhelmed with emotion. Her tears were of relief that her precious creation was found. She just looked at me and said "I thought it was gone forever!" I will never forget that little tear stained face. My tears were more about knowing her pain - knowing just how she felt - knowing how many more times she will feel that fear - and knowing I can't always fix it.

Did God care about her booklet? I am not sure but I know He cares about her heart and I am grateful we found that book and her broken heart was restored. So, thank you whoever you are for taking the time to bring my daughter's precious Kindergarten Memories booklet to the Kroger service desk. Because of you my little girl's faith was increased and her hope was not lost. I just pray for wisdom for the times when things in her life don't end "happily ever after" because I know there will be many of those days.

The Hard Stuff

My girls say so many things that make me laugh and sometimes make me cry. Elliott is the more insightful and intuitive one who always asks such hard questions like "Why does God let people get sick or hungry?" Already at 4 years old she is wrestling with a God she knows to be good and all powerful yet terrible things still happen. I don't have the perfect "tie it all up in a pretty bow" answers for her like I wish I did. I just remind her of who God is and there are just some things that we won't understand until heaven. She accepts it but I can see the confusion in her little eyes.

Here are some of her other questions/comments of late:

Why does God make words that make me carsick? (She gets carsick if she looks at books.)

When I get to heaven will I be a baby, a kid or a grown up? I think I will be a baby and start all over again.

When is God coming back? No one knows, do they? I can’t wait for that day, mommy.

Then the other day she told us we needed to adopt a little boy from China because she wants a baby brother. She then declared that his name should be "Snoop". It was all I could do to not laugh as I looked in her sweet big blue eyes full of sincerity. (Later I found out "Snoop" came from Snoopy which gave me relief. I was wondering if someone had introduced her to Snoop Doggy Dog and somehow that just doesn't seem appropriate for a 4 year old.)

God shows up so much for me in the form of my girls. I love their hearts and questions. I just hope they always feels safe to ask us the hard stuff.

Perspective

Do you ever wish you could see yourself from someone else’s perspective? I know I do. Last night I was experiencing a lot of doubt about myself and this place to where God has led me. Todd reminded me how far I have come and how God has been connecting little dots here and there to bring me to this place. Todd almost cried as he told me how he saw me and how much he wished I could see myself as he does. I have a feeling God feels the same way sometimes. When I don’t see my worth based in Christ I lie to myself about who I really am and I don’t live the life He has called me to live. I need more truth – I need more of His Word to really know who I am and to replace the untruths I so easily believe sometimes.

Motivation

Todd and I started our journey to lose weight last September when we hired a former Biggest Loser contestant to be our personal trainer and she had me write a list of reasons why I was finally going to take control of my health and get fit. We had to stop working with her for a few different reasons last month and I have gotten back into some of my bad habits and as much as I hate to admit it, I have gained a few pounds back. In the past I would have just given up at this point, but I have come a long way and I want to keep going to reach my goal by the end of the year. So for motivation here is that list:

To be comfortable in high heels again
To get my style back
To be able to shop at ANY store
To feel confident again
To sing freely again
To change my family tree
To see pictures of myself that I actually like
To be an example to my girls
To have more energy
To be stronger
To really just be me
To live life fully
To be able to ski again – and teach my girls
To be ready for Disney World
To not feel embarrassed all the time
To be healthy
To be able to enjoy relationships more fully without worrying about how I look
To stop hiding

I Can't Find Me

I am not sure how to link to another blog but i guess this will work. I just found this blog and read this entry and it says exactly what I have been feeling so I had to put up a link here.

http://jennicatron.tv/2008/05/06/i-cant-find-me/

Tears like rain

Right now it is pouring down rain - one of my favorite sounds. I am in the middle of writing a personal theory paper and the sound of the rain interrupted my thoughts so I thought I would write about how the rain made me feel. I have been crying lately - more than usual but I know there is so much more there – so many more tears to be cried. As I sit here listening to the rain I am jealous of those clouds. I want that release. I want to let my tears pour down my cheeks like the rain until I am empty. I am not sure what is keeping me from letting it all out, but something is. Maybe I am afraid if I start I will never stop…maybe I am afraid the pain will be more than I can come back from…maybe I am afraid I will have to confront some things I am hiding from…maybe I am afraid of finding the real me. I am tired of being afraid.

The Comeback

I started this blog almost 2 years ago and didn't get very far. So I have been thinking of making a comeback. It wouldn't be hard to improve on my record. Although I am not sure if anyone will read it. I think more than anything else it will just be a good place for me to talk to myself. I do that a lot in real life so why not on the internet?